I am the mum of a beautiful and charming 9 month old daughter.

This has been my full-time job since my last trimester of pregnancy.

I spend my days preparing baby food, changing nappies, singing nursery rhymes, cooking and grocery shopping, sometimes I meet my other mom friends, going to children’s activities and trying to create a life that’s both fun and loving and also an environment conducive to learning.

I know I am truly blessed that I have this opportunity. I am lucky to be able to stay at home and care for my baby. She is so wonderful and well-adjusted and I think that is mostly down to me.

Then why, oh why, am I feeling this weird feeling that I want to go back to work? I thought I’d go back when my child would be about two and a half. All of a sudden the notion got into my head that I would start a little after she turns one.

The money aspect is really just a small part of it. At the moment, my husband is the bread winner. That is, the baby and I are living off him. And it feels just so strange. I have been making my own money since I was eighteen. To depend so wholeheartedly on another person, even though he is my husband, is just alien to me.

I honestly feel uncomfortable. That’s the word. Uncomfortable.

And the reason why is because I know I am more than capable of making a living. I am a nurse. I have some seriously useful skills. I was a team leader. I took big decisions every day, decisions that affected people’s lives.

In other words, I was an actual contribution to society. And right now, I don’t feel like I am. I feel like a waste of space.

Now I know that is silly and far fetched. Bringing up my child is a very acceptable contribution to society. But there’s also another issue: guilt. I feel guilty. Guilty that I am capable of much more than I’m doing now and I’m not using that capability.

And on the other side of the coin, there is…you guessed it, more guilt. Guilt about the very notion of leaving my child in the care of others. Guilt at how ungrateful I must seem, wanting to pursue my career when I guess I’m doing just fine rearing my child myself at home.

I must admit that since I’ve been away from work for nearly a year now, I have some romantic notions about it. Being a nurse in charge is very stressful and my little one does not sleep through the night completely yet. Not to mention all the illnesses and diseases I get exposed to and possibly carry home.

My goodness, I honestly feel like I don’t know what to do. Which is also an uncomfortable and alien situation for me.