Right now I am aghast at the shit storm that is my life.

About a week and a half ago we were short of staff at work every single day.

The patients that are being admitted to my ward are all in an incredibly bad state and most are bedridden.

A large cyst was found on my left ovary. (It has thankfully been resolved).

I was massively ill with a fever of 102 and I couldn’t call in sick at work right away because I was changing duty with someone else.

My steering column on my car broke down so I am also currently immobile.

Sometimes I go to bed dreading what tomorrow might bring.

So yeah. Stressful and inconvenient. I feel like screaming ‘FUCK THIS SHIT!’ , sitting on the couch with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a bottle of wine and get plastered and pass out.

Such behavior is absolutely counterproductive. If I were to do this, I would just wake up hungover and sad and have to face the same problems hungover and sad, which doesn’t lead to good decisions. When I am stressed out and anxious, I’m pretty inconsolable and nothing anyone says helps or makes a difference.

You know what does make a difference? 

Exercise. Strenuous, intense exercise. I mentioned in a previous post that I go to these workouts that basically make you work on every muscle group and incorporates boxing in the workout.

It is so intense and physically taxing that for that hour, it is impossible to think of anything else but the will to push yourself and complete the workout to the best of your ability.

Let’s get something straight however: I am not good at it. 

1) There are sessions when I look around and go ‘hmmm…well how about that? I’m the fattest lady in the class…’ There will always be a guy who is bigger than me, but for some reason a fat man stands out less or is perhaps more socially acceptable than a fat woman. Or maybe they simply have less bouncy bits.  

2) There are mirrors everywhere which is a good thing because you can see what you are doing wrong. But I can also see just how terrible I look. When doing squat jumps I think I look like King Kong about to climb the Empire State Building. I will be red and blotchy and heaving. When we do kettlebell swings I feel like Cheetah from Tarzan. Sometimes the coach will bring out these ladders that lay on the floor and we have to do this thing called a monkey walk (I see a consistent theme here….) and you basically move forward on your hands and catch up with your feet, arse first in the air. I always feel sorry for the person behind me because I’m a little slow and if that person is faster than me and miscalculates , they will get my sizeable rear-end full in their face. I also concern myself with what if the person in front of me farts, which is an entirely plausible situation given that in that position your are pressing on the large intestine and I will be there, monkey walking in somebody’s bum vapour. 

3) As a small time actress and stand-up comedienne, I am constantly aware of other people’s sense of humour. I love the coaches’ attempts at being funny:

– when doing a squat and holding it: ‘YES, SIT DOWN, YOU DESERVE IT!’

– when putting each knee to your chest in push-up position: ‘KNEE TO THE CHEST! YOU ARE NOT A CAT DOING ITS BUSINESS!’

-if your head isn’t on your towel: ‘BRING A BIGGER TOWEL! LEAVE THE FACECLOTH FOR THE BATH!’

-when you get tired during sit-ups: ‘DO A SIT-UP, NOT A LIE DOWN! YOU ARE NOT AT THE BEACH!

4) A childhood friend goes to these sessions too and due to this we have really reconnected. But we do talk quite a lot. I get flashbacks of when my mother used to make my older brother accompany us to church on Sunday at 11am and we used to talk so much that he would bribe us with smarties to shut-up. Now the coaches just shout at us ‘MORE CORE EXERCISE! LESS TONGUE EXERCISE!’

I love it. I really do. And I promise you, it gets better. I know that this may sound dramatic, but going there has made me a better version of myself. I am more focused, I feel fitter and most importantly I am happier in general. Until last March, I could not do a full sit-up. How shameful. I couldn’t really do a push-up either. But now I can. And it’s not about how you start, but how you finish. 

But the best part is their philosophy: a quitter never wins and a winner never quits. It not just about fitness goals, it’s about life. When I’m having a difficult day at work and everything is going wrong and doctors are yelling at me and relatives are being demanding and patients are driving me insane, I remember that mantra and fight on. Life is a marathon and satisfaction comes when you do your best, in every aspect. 

Oh and…I’m not particularly in love with being a loser. I’d much rather be a winner.

And I think I am.