1. Do I have enough food? So you say ‘what the heck!’ and buy more food. As you are unloading the food from your car to your house you think ‘yeah, I bought way too much food….’

2. I will be super ambitious and confident in my culinary skills! I will make a Brie soufflé with cranberry jus, chasseur chicken with potato dauphinois and chilli chocolate mousse for dessert.

3. Fuck this shit. Tried and tested it is. I wonder if there is some feasible shortcut I can take…

4. Ok, maybe I won’t take the shortcut.

5. Who am I kidding? Of course I’ll take the shortcut.

6. It cost how much?? Are you sure the bill total is right? Are imported cranberries really that much?

7. Hot damn. I would have spent less if we had gone to some fancy restaurant.

8. I will play Christmas carols and wear a lovely Santa motif Christmas apron to get into the mood.

9. I will start with dessert because that’s the most fun thing to make, plus it needs time to set in the fridge.

10. Oh God. I forgot that baking is basically a science experiment where exactitude is key. Why did I think this would be fun?

11. Dear Lord, now everything smells of cinnamon and icing sugar.

12. It got all down my apron so it looks like someone shat on Santa’s face.

13. That fancy restaurant idea is looking pretty good right now.

14. The Christmas carols playing on a loop are annoying me. I honestly believe I am trying to ‘Feeeed the Worrrrrld’.

15. A HUGE turkey is set up in the dish surrounded by potatoes and veg and little sprigs of herbs and it looks positively stunning. Just imagine when it is cooked.

16. The dish does not fit in oven. Time to re-think everything.

17. Is it too late to make a reservation at that fancy restaurant?

18. After a bit of turkey feng shui and a smaller dish, it fits in the oven.

19. By some miracle of God, everything cooks nicely and turns out ok. On Christmas day everyone loves your food and you are indeed the culinary queen of your household and your friends and family are in awe of you and Julia Child would be ringing you for tips if she weren’t dead.

20. Until one sets eyes on the mount Everest of crockery in the sink and catches a glimpse of oneself in the mirror and there is turkey juice in my hair and Santa has cranberry sauce in his eye like a rather gruesome case of a cataract surgery gone wrong.

21. Next year we are going to the fancy restaurant.

(no, not my Christmas lunch, that’s a stock photo.)