I had a rather trying day at work today. Well, really, I do not know when my days are not trying. My bullshit tolerance has reached an all-time low and everybody manages to irritate me. My boss who orders me about, patients with a subterranean IQ level, relatives who are ruder than rude, care workers who smack their lips while having lunch in the pantry…they get under my skin and reside there like some subcutaneous parasite, eventually getting into my blood stream and gushing around my brain. My brain!

And imminently my heart.

And sometimes I’m simply afraid I won’t recover. Because coupled up with the trials and tribulations of my personal life, I begin to wonder if it’s all a little too much.

So when my dad called to go to the beach this afternoon, I took it as a welcome distraction. Also, the long drive to mellieha would help me ease my mind.

I was pleasantly surprised to find my siblings there too, and after we swam we decided to grab some dinner at one of the seaside restaurants. When we sat down, I had forgotten just how long it had been that we were just us, our immediate family without husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends. The restaurant we went to seemed stuck in the 90s and somehow even the food had a 90s vibe.

And all of a sudden a tsunami of nostalgia washed over me. In 1996 we had spent a summer in a flat in mellieha. For three months we just swam, read library books, cooked, went for walks and sometimes watched Italian telenovelas since we didn’t have cable. Some school friends were staying there for the summer too and I made many new friends. I was thirteen and everything was so simple and innocent in a way. And like everything when you are quite young, you have no idea that you should cherish the moment because before you know it, it’s gone. When I was thirteen, I foolishly thought that nothing was ever going to change. I honestly thought that things were going to be the same way forever. Well, actually I did not really think that at all- I took it for granted that life was that way. That I would always have free time to read, swim and enjoy life, I would always be in amazingly good health, tanned and in short shorts, playing volleyball on the beach with my friends.

Now I’m thirty-two. My life feels so heavy and complicated.

I am perpetually tired. I wake up feeling good and not 5 minutes go by in hospital until somebody irritates me. There are some days where I count the minutes until I am able to go home. There are days when I feel like punching everyone and there are days when I just feel like locking myself in the bathroom and crying.

At the moment I’m absolutely obsessed with the show Absolutely Fabulous which started circa 1991. When it got to season 4 in 1995, there is a scene in a particular episode where Patsy and Edina are crying in the bathroom because the world is changing and they don’t want it to. Edina cries that she doesn’t want her daughter to move out and she wants to write letters not emails and she does not want to grow old.

And it got me thinking about how the time just creeps up on you. At one point in time you are a wild, care-free teenager and you think that’s going to last forever and then, before you know it, you are a burnt-out, down-on-your-luck 32 year-old who is really struggling to make her dreams come true. And then you think that is going to last forever too.

Then:

  
But you know what? The shit passes too. And other shit comes along….not necessarily better shit, but at least different. 

And that’s a good thing, because constipation has never benefitted anyone.

And I will leave you with one of my most nostalgia-inducing songs in my collection.

How many special people change?

How many lives are living strange?

…..Wake up the dawn and ask her why

A dreamer dreams she never dies

Wipe that tear away now from your eye

…….But you and I, we live and die

The world’s still spinning round

We don’t know why


No, we don’t know why. And I honestly don’t know if it gets any clearer.

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