I am always terrified of things spiraling out of control. I have been this way from a very young age. I realized very early on in life how people will never behave how you wish them to and that they are often unpredictable and often do stupid and asinine things. And I would make it my mission to prevent other people’s asinine ways from placing obstacles in my path. 
My earliest memory of this was in primary school. It was Valentine’s Day, and in Canada everyone gives each other a little card. The teacher had us make these cute little heart-shaped pouches with our names on them and she hung them on the wall so we can all put each other’s cards in them.

However, one little fucker with a pack of gum was chewing up bits of gum and putting them in everyone’s pouch. I saw him do this. I tried to tell an adult, but she did not listen and told me that nobody likes a tattle-tale. I told the boy to stop it and he said ‘make me!’ and he pushed me to the floor. So I took matters in my own hands. I took my pouch off the wall and put it in my pigeon hole at the back of the class. I then wrote on all my Valentine’s Day cards ‘P.S: if anyone wanted to give me a card, my pouch is in my pigeon hole’ and subsequently tore up my card for Mr. Chewing gum. 

I was later put in the corner facing the wall for ‘hiding’ my pouch. 

Mr. Chewing gum got off Scot free, because nobody knew it was him who sabotaged the whole exercise with his disgusting gum. Except me. But nobody likes a tattle-tale.

I was six. And I was already aware of how other people’s thoughtlessness can affect me.
I felt so misunderstood. And so frustrated. And so disappointed at how unfair the situation was. And so humiliated. 

And all my six year-old self knew how to do to deal with this situation was cry. The teacher thought I was crying because I was being punished. Yes, I was in the corner. But the real punishment was how I learnt at that moment how good people don’t always get good things, despite what we learnt in doctrine lessons. 

And I did not tell anyone because if one adult who was very important to me couldn’t understand, what are the chances that anyone else would?
And I have spent the rest of my life trying to control every iota so I would never feel that way again. 
And now I am thirty-two and exhausted. Because no matter how hard you try, you simply can not be on top of every situation. At work I kill myself trying to prevent even the slightest mistake from happening, but with a staff of over 100, it is impossible to make them behave in the way I see fit. 
People have characters and stories and layers and at the end of the day, it is what makes society beautiful. However, it can also be the reason why sometimes it is very ugly.
But people will always be people. And we all have to find a way to get along and work together.
It is a difficult thing. To let the universe unfold as it will. It takes a lot of trust. Trust in the world and trust in oneself to be able to deal with adversity without falling apart.
It also takes courage to be able to face the possibility of falling apart for a while. Sometimes, you can’t build yourself up unless you completely break down first. And you may then build something better and stronger and perhaps surprise yourself.
Its always darkest before the dawn. Sometimes you have to go to that dark place. 

But then comes the sun.

Have you ever seen a sunrise?

I promise, it’s spectacular.

  

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