I should be more successful in my career because I’m a smart person.

I should be thinner considering that my diet and exercise regime are quite spot-on.

I should not have been bullied as a teen because I was always a nice person.

I should make more money considering the amount of work I do.

I should have a fairy tale relationship with my husband because we are in love and we are both good people

This is a seriously toxic way of thinking. And you know what is the key word here?

Should.

No matter how much one would like to believe so, the world is not a logical place. It is dynamic, the people are dynamic and ever-changing. I believe the word should has become futile. The word ‘should’ implies there are rules or a certain norm and in modern life there just isn’t one. Cause and effect is a concept for mathematicians and physicists. Not for average joes, lovers and hopers and dreamers, which most people are. Thinking in terms of ‘should’ makes the very wrong assumption that the world is fair. And anybody who believes the world is fair will be sorely disappointed.

If everything was as it should be, wealth would be shared, everyone would have free healthcare and corruption would be a myth.

I found the only way to find peace in this life is to stop thinking of what should be and start concentrating on what is. It’s about accepting your lot and being ok with it. I’m not saying one should not strive for better. But agonising over why things are not ideal when we live in a very un-ideal world will just make you depressed. Change what you can, but certain things just need to be left alone. Unrealistic expectations are not only upsetting but they are insane. Psychologists say that psychosis occurs when one’s ideal self does not match the real self.

So I have started to do this: instead of concentrating on all the stuff that didn’t go quite right, how about I concentrate on all those things that did go right? And instead of concentrating on all the things I don’t have I need to concentrate on all the stuff I do have.

Life has given me a lot of good. It’s time to respect myself and appreciate it.

so the next time I think shoulda, woulda, coulda it will be like this:

I know that it may feel that things SHOULD be a certain way.

And a former version of myself WOULD kill myself trying to make things that way.

Or else I COULD just count my blessings and be at peace.

image

Advertisements